Behind Closed Doors
(Christan Amundsen is a professor of psychology
and religion. He has a private psychotherapy practice
and teaches a course on human sexuality at NLC.)
Dear Dr. A:
I dread the holidays. My girlfriend and I fight
more during this time of year than any other time.
We both hate it. What can we do?
— Dreading the Holidays
Dear “Dreading”:
The holiday season can be a very difficult time
for us. There is added stress to what are already
very stressful lives. Expectations, intense schedules
and vulnerabilities become heightened. Perhaps
the best thing you and your girlfriend can do
is to stay aware of your own stress levels. I
have heard that recovery groups use the acronym
“H.A.L.T”. This means, when you are
hungry, angry, lonely or tired, you need to stop
and attend to these feelings before they escalate.
Being conscious of ourselves is our best tool.
Take time for your relationship. Find time to
relax and enjoy the season, instead of making
the season a burden. Every person has the power
to change his or her attitude in any given situation,
as Viktor Frankl suggested in his timeless book,
Man’s Search for Meaning. Slow down. The
holidays come and go every year, but you want
your relationship to last.
Dear Dr. A:
When dating a new person, what is the appropriate
amount of time to wait before having sex?
— Waiting
Dear “Waiting”:
I suppose the answer to that question is individual.
In the HBO series Sex in the City, there was the
third date rule, but that seems a bit too quick.
The best way to approach this issue is to allow
sexual intimacy to become natural, not rushed
or premature. It takes time to get to know one
another and allow love to grow and mature. My
sense is we know when the time is right, and we
know when it’s too soon.
Dear Dr. A:
How come having sex for men and women is a double
standard?
— Just Wondering
Dear “Just Wondering”:
The sexual double standard has been around for
as long as there have been human beings. Women
have carried the burden of the sexual double standard
largely because women are the ones who give birth
and carry a child until it is born. It is the
woman who is the partner who guarantees that a
child is the result of a particular sexual union,
and so there has always been an economic and social
reality associated with a sexual relationship
between men and women.
Time are changing somewhat. With the advent of
birth control and changing ideas in society about
the roles that women play, some of the double
standards have loosened. But, the double standard
still exists. Females may be called “sluts”
if they have sexual encounters, while men are
viewed as being macho and being manly.
It will be interesting to see how these sexual
attitudes change in the next decades.
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