Behind Closed Doors

Christan Amundsen is a professor of psychology and religion. He has a private psychotherapy practice and teaches a course on human sexuality at NLC.

Dear Dr. A:
My boyfriend and I have a really great relationship, except when we get around his friends. I feel that he ignores me. It’s not like he totally acts as if I’m not there, he’s just not affectionate. But, I want him to be. Help.

Dear “Help”:
I assume that you’ve discussed this with him. It sounds as if he’s not too comfortable with public displays of affection, or is it just around his friends? In any case, it is very likely that he doesn’t feel it’s appropriate or “manly” to be affectionate with a woman around his friends, and you may need to ease into a new understanding and new pattern of behavior with him.

If your relationship is really good in all areas other than this, you should be able to talk freely about this, without it being judgmental or attacking of him. Go slowly. Take your time. Enjoy the “goodness” of your relationship, and make it safe for him to be expressive in the company of his friends, by being open and responsive to those times he is more affectionate. Become his ally. Be sensitive and caring of his feelings here, and he will begin to soften.

Dear Dr. A:
OK – this is maybe strange, but my boyfriend has difficulty in climaxing. He goes on and on. That’s great in some ways, but in others it just wears me out. Is there something wrong with him? Is there something wrong with me?

Dear “On and On”:
First of all, let’s not think of this as being “something wrong.” Perhaps the difficulty is in the fact that we can become “orgasm centered,” meaning that we focus so much on the orgasm that we lose sight of the lovemaking and tenderness.

I suspect that your boyfriend has a lot on his mind, things that he is trying to control in his life, and it has become difficult for him to let go. Probably there is a great deal of stress on him, and expectations on his part that he has to be “in charge.”

Orgasm is about letting go. The Buddhist call orgasm the “mini-death,” because it requires one to let go of self, like actual physical death. I suggest you talk with your boyfriend and together create a climate where it is not oriented to a certain outcome, and just let yourselves enjoy the tenderness sometimes, and not “have to” make yourself climax.