Behind Closed Doors

Christan Amundsen is a professor of psychology and religion. He has a private psychotherapy practice and teaches a course on human sexuality at NLC.

Dear Dr. A:
I am a 20-year-old female. I have been going with my boyfriend for about a year and a half. We have a great relationship. But sometimes after we have sex, I feel a little ashamed. I love him, and our sex life is good and important to us both. Why do I sometimes feel this way?
-- Sad

Dear Sad:
My sense is that you have some beliefs or religious ideas that run contrary to your behavior. Those ideas and beliefs may even be unconscious to you. Did you grow up in a conservative religious environment or with strict parents? It might be important to explore with your boyfriend ideas that you grew up with, and see if you agree or disagree with them. I see this as an opportunity for growth in your relationship and for you as a person. Many times we have buried beliefs, and it is at times like this that we are challenged to uncover them. It may be as simple as the idea that “good girls don’t do things like this,” which may have been a belief that you learned as a child. Take this as an opportunity to grow, and be open with your boyfriend. On deeper levels, as well, there may be some hidden resentment. Give yourself time and a comfortable place to talk about this, and finding a good therapist to help for a few sessions might be a good idea.

Dear Dr. A:
My boyfriend talks about having a “threesome” (with another girl). He laughs and says he’s kidding, but he brings it up a lot. I don’t like the idea at all, and it bothers me that he even “kids” about it. What should I do?
-- Concerned

Dear Concerned:
I think it is important that you have a frank and open discussion with your boyfriend. From the tone of your letter, my sense is that this issue is becoming a problem in your relationship. Your boyfriend may simply have a fascination with the idea of having sex with two women at the same time, and not realize that it is hurtful to you. Or, he may be using this issue to sabotage the relationship. Either way, and there are many possible sides to this issue, it is important that you talk before this gets in the way of your relationship. Be clear with him that you are not interested, and that it is hurtful. Do not be subtle, your boyfriend isn’t picking up on the obvious hurt you are dealing with.