Behind Closed Doors
Christan Amundsen is a professor of psychology
and religion. He has a private psychotherapy practice
and teaches a course on human sexuality at NLC.
Dear Dr. A:
A few months ago my boyfriend and I broke up because
I was unsure whether or not I was in love with
him. We got back together, and now he’s
not sure if he’s in love with me. He told
me that he wanted some space so he could think
about it, and see if he is in love with this other
girl that he’s met. He still comes over
every night and stays most of the time. I’m
so in love with him, I don’t know what to
do.
— Help
Dear Help:
So, he wants space but still comes over every
night to sleep with you? Hmmm. Sounds like both
of you are struggling with being attracted to
the unavailable. You broke up with him, then went
back, and then he left you and now you want him
more than ever. But, he hasn’t really left
you. Let’s be honest here: both of you are
scared to death of a committed relationship. Perhaps
neither one of you is truly ready for a deep,
committed relationship.
At any rate, it’s important for you to
give him the space he needs, but you have to have
a firm boundary. If he needs space from the relationship
to explore another possible relationship, then
he can’t sleep with you. That keeps you
upset and off balance, and doesn’t give
him the kind of clarity he needs to understand
his own feelings.
So, give him space and give yourself some space,
too. That is the only way at this point to discover
what your true feelings are for each other.
Dear Dr. A:
Why are so many people against homosexuals? I
don’t get it. I have friends that are homophobic,
and when we talk about the issue they just say
that it’s “wrong.” How can I
help them be more flexible and less insecure about
the whole thing?
— Puzzled
Dear Puzzled:
There are many people who have religious beliefs
that homosexuality is a “sin.” You
don’t say whether your friends are religious
or not, but perhaps the best you can do is to
state your own understanding, and suggest that
there are many ways to look at the issue. Chances
are you will be unable to persuade them to your
opinion, and you may have to agree to disagree
on the subject.
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