Behind Closed Doors
Christan Amundsen is a professor of psychology
and religion. He has a private psychotherapy practice
and teaches a course on human sexuality at NLC.
Dear Dr. A:
I’ve been dating this girl for about three
months. She is more into me than I am into her.
Actually, even though she is very attractive and
nice, I’m just bored when I’m around
her. I want to break up with her, but every time
I start to talk about it I see the hurt look in
her eyes and I stop.
What should I do? I don’t want to hurt
her, but I need to break up with her. I know that
not telling her is making it worse. Is there an
easy way to break up?
— Bored and Ready to Move On
Dear Bored and Ready to Move on:
The straightforward answer to your question is:
No, there is no easy way to break up. It hurts,
and your soon-to-be ex-girlfriend is going to
feel hurt and probably angry.
The question is whether you’ll be honest,
open and caring, or whether you’ll be manipulative
and create a climate where she’ll be confused
and even more hurt by your actions.
Don’t put this off any longer. As difficult
as it is, get together with her and be honest.
Don’t say things like: “It’s
not you, it’s me,” and trite things
like that. Just tell her the truth — that
you don’t want to be in the relationship
anymore. It’ll hurt, but delaying, as you
already know, only makes it worse.
Dear Dr. A:
My girlfriend and I have a pretty good relationship,
but lately I’ve been having some dreams
that bother me. In this recurring dream, I am
having sex with her best friend. The dream is
great, but it kind of freaks me out. I mean, do
I secretly want to be with her best friend?
— Concerned
Dear Concerned:
Perhaps. Then again, your girlfriend‘s best
friend may represent some feminine energy in yourself
that you are needing to integrate into your personality.
Before you decide that this is a relational issue
with your girlfriend, spend time reflecting on
what your girlfriend’s best friend represents.
What “power” does she have that you
find lacking in yourself?
Sex in dreams is not always about sex, although
sometimes it is. Maybe your dream sex is compensation
for some sexual desire that is lacking.
I suggest that you spend time thinking and perhaps
writing in a journal about this. More may be revealed.
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