Behind Closed Doors
Christan Amundsen is a professor of psychology
and religion. He has a private psychotherapy practice
and teaches a course on human sexuality at NLC. Dear Dr. A:
Okay, this may sound really stupid, but I think
my boyfriend doesn’t care how I feel
about anything. In fact, when I tell him something,
he’ll usually say, “I don’t
care.” It’s really irritating.
What should I do?
- Irritated
Dear “Irritated”:
Of course, the most obvious question is, “if
he doesn’t care, why are you with him?” I
could write about how uncomfortable men are with
feelings, and suggest that you spend time helping
him understand how important it is to have your
feelings validated by your significant other,
but from your brief letter perhaps you should
take him at his word. He doesn’t care about
your feelings. He may be available for sex and
for fun, but he is obviously unavailable for
an authentic, loving relationship. So, if he
is telling you the truth, then perhaps you’re
the one not listening. You have to ask yourself, “Why
do I want to be in this relationship, when he
doesn’t care?” If you tell him that
you don’t wish to be in that kind of relationship
and he says, “I don’t care,” then
you have all the information you need. If he
wants to stay in the relationship, then both
of you need to work on communicating. Above all,
be honest with yourself.
Dear Dr. A:
My boyfriend and I live together. We’ve
been together for about a year now. Every morning
when he wakes up he wants sex. I don’t.
I’m not a morning person, and sex when
I just wake up doesn’t appeal to me. I
usually give in, but I find myself getting angry
about this. What can I do?
- Sleep, Not Sex
Dear “Sleep, Not Sex ”:
This is not unusual. Many men, if not most, wake up with an erection. It signals
sex to them. Add this to feeling rested from a good night’s sleep – and
men are ready to tango, if you know what I mean, and I think that you do. You
have several options. One, wake up a bit earlier than he does and either make
yourself unavailable for sex by getting dressed and ready for the day, or more
awake and ready for sex. Or, talk with him about the dilemma and find some
compromise. I see this as an opportunity to deepen your relationship.
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Christan Amundsen
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