BEHIND CLOSED DOORS

Dear Dr. A: Okay – this is weird. My girlfriend and I have been together for almost two years. It's great. But lately she's been going to this really conservative church, and things have been different. She's all about the end of the world. I tell her to stop thinking about it. I'm okay with her believing whatever she wants to believe, but it's coming between us. I'm not religious at all, and all this talk is driving me crazy. Jesus is messing up my relationship. I feel like I need to de-program her or something. Her mother's the same way. What do I do? I love her so much, but this stinks. — Driven Crazy

Dear “Driven Crazy”: Religious belief is a very powerful force. I suppose we could analyze all day why your girlfriend has become so religious. Perhaps a great deal of this is about her need to connect with her mother. You didn't say how her belief was “messing up” the relationship. Has the sex stopped? Is she pushy about converting you? It's important to have a frank dialogue with her, and talk to her honestly about your feelings and your concerns. In the end, you'll have to find a way to accept her, just as she has to find a way to accept you. The boundaries have to be solid, and what you want for your life needs to be clarified. If that cannot happen, then the relationship will come to an end. Be open and understanding, but also be clear with yourself and her.

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Dear Dr. A: My girlfriend is smothering me. She gets upset if I want to spend time with my friends at all. She says she only wants to be “with me,” but I need some space. Not a lot, but some. I mean, I love her and all, and I want to be with her, too. I haven't said anything to her, but I'm finding myself getting angry at her all the time. What should I do? — Smothered

Dear “Smothered”: You need to talk with her before your anger begins to hurt the relationship. Be honest and gentle. Perhaps your girlfriend is feeling insecure about the relationship. Young women particularly have a strong need to connect. Sometimes, a young man's need for independence is viewed as a threat to the connective nature of the relationship. Be reassuring. Talk about her needs and your needs. Since you haven't talked about this, perhaps communication is part of the problem you are having. Open up to her and be open to her. To save your relationship: Communicate.