BEHIND
CLOSED
DOORS
Christan Amundsen is a
professor of psychology and
religion. He has a private
psychotherapy practice and
teaches a course on human
sexuality at NLC.
Dear Dr. A:
My girlfriend is driving me
crazy. It's like she doesn't want to
ever be alone or something. She
wants to be with me all the time.
Even when we are watching a
movie at home, and I get up to go
to the bathroom, she says, “Where
are you going?”
It's irritating. I try to talk with
her, but she gets mad and then
doesn't talk to me at all — like
I'm being punished or something.
I really do love her and don't
want to break up, but I don't want
to be smothered all my life either.
Help!
— Smothered
Dear “Smothered”:
It is diffi cult to deal with insecurities.
We cover
them over with anger,
denial, jealousy
and many other
kind of defenses.
Your girlfriend
(you don't say
how long you've
had the relationship)
sounds very
insecure and fearful.
Abandonment
is probably a big issue for her, so
she's hyper-vigilant.
My suggestion is to give her a
lot of love language, and affirm
to her that you aren't going anywhere.
You might ask her what would
help her feel more secure in the
relationship, and that
you are willing to talk
with her about anything
she needs to talk
about.
This will take time.
My sense is there is
some real pain underneath
her insecurity.
Hang in there. Be patient
and tender.
I know it's irritating
and smothering at times, but if
your relationship is one that you
want to keep, work with it, and
try to avoid being angry at her
for this behavior.
—•—
Dear Dr. A:
This may seem like an odd
question, but — how much sex is
too much?
— Just Curious
Dear “Curious”:
Too little or too much sex is an
individual issue.
In the movie Annie Hall,
Woody Allen tells his therapist,
“Annie and I almost never have
sex — only three times a week.”
Whereas Annie tells her therapist,
“We have sex all the time, three
times a week.”
I suppose the simple answer to
your question would be: it's too
much when it begins to interfere
with your relationship(s), work
and personal life.
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