Mental Health

I live in a bipolar world

I heard a joke this morning that got a hearty laugh from several people. It gave me a chill.

Someone obviously asked about a man who had just left. "He didn't take his medicine today," another cracked.

I took my medicine today, so I didn't think the joke was funny.

And then there was the situation with Terrell Owens. Remember that? According to the transcript of a 911 call, he apparently tried to commit suicide. Then he denied making a suicide attempt.

"Terrell has 25 million reasons to be alive," his publicist said. She was referring to Owens ' Dallas Cowboys salary. I doubt that any amount of money would stop someone who really wanted to commit suicide.

I am skeptical because I am a woman with bipolar disorder. You may know my condition as manic depression. It's considered a major mental illness.

What this means to me is that sometimes I'm painfully giddy with all the possibilities of life, and sometimes I'm depressed over just about everything. I tend to get depressed from November until February, changing to manic, or hypomanic - which is less than manic, but more euphoric than a normal mood - from April to October.

Bipolar disorder can make life hard sometimes. Sometimes I honestly want to kill myself, which scares me and others around me who share my secret. Most of the time, I know when things I do are over the top, especially when I'm manic. But usually, I know this after I do them, after the split-second decision I make to act. This is tough, especially when I think back over what I've done.

Medications help a lot.

But the list of unpleasant side effects are long, and I find it hard to fault anyone who finds the side effects outweigh the advantages of being medicated. After all, being manic or hypomanic can be really fun and incredibly exciting - at the time. But I can't talk to you about this essential part of my life. You might not understand.

You might even think that I am capable of hurting you, or going nuts on a moment's notice. You might read about another bipolar who did something shocking, and think I am just like him or her. You might not want to give me a job.

I am the face of a silent minority - the mentally ill among you. You'll never know how many of us there are because we are afraid of what you might think.

I am a woman with bipolar. I could be the person sitting next to you in class. I could be your instructor.

I am anonymous for a reason.

- Anonymous

I can't believe my own thoughts

It used to be odd for me to think that life is a blessing. Not that I have anything to complain about, but still, I have a lot to be thankful for.

To begin with, I have my health. This was not the case for a very long time. I have more friends now than I have ever had and I am making progress in school.

Mental illness is a weird thing. In some ways, everyone has it. Most people just don't need treatment. It is a case of degrees.

For me, it is awful. My mind can't tell the difference between what I see and what I imagine. Everyone hears voices, sees pictures and has videos that play in their heads. Most know that it is not real, but my brain acts as if it is.

So, you might think that these things never happen. I have learned that most people don't think about how they think. The problem is not that I hear something that is not there, but that I believe my thoughts are coming from somewhere other than my brain.

My brain thinks that I am hearing something that only exists in my head from a source that is not of my own creation. Reality gets confused with my imagination.

In my case, I thought I could predict the future by reading newspapers. I saw a video in my head of someone shooting a well-known public figure during a speech.

I saw things that would disturb most anyone and I actually believed that I alone had predicted it.

At the same time, I also believed that the words this person was saying were harmful and could cause people to starve.

Because I was the only one who had these "special powers," I felt it was my duty to oppose him even while I felt the need to protect him.

I was lucky. I had become as delusional as one can be while still having the ability to know something was wrong.

No one knew what I thought I had seen for six weeks until I told my doctor. He knew that I wasn't trying to get attention and that I really believed these things that I was seeing. He even told me that it was all right for me to worry about the wellbeing of this person.

This is why I write. When I write, I have the ability to reason things out.

No, it is not odd that I am more thankful for my health today than I have ever been.

I know for sure that I have an illness, but that is not a reason to give up: It is a reason to dream big.

I am healthy. I can live my life with the knowledge that I cannot make bad things happen with my thoughts.

- Joseph Kastner

I check on locks and appliances;
I've got to

I could be obsessed, or maybe I am just realistic.

Twice a night I check the doors to my third story apartment and both of my windows to make sure they're locked. I have two deadbolts on my door and I stick a door jam under the doorknob to make it extra secure.

I usually unplug all the appliances in the kitchen and check the oven knobs a couple of times to make sure those are turned off.

After I check the sink faucet, I lock my bedroom door, snuggle up to my miniature baseball bat (for protection) and doze off to dream land.

People tell me I'm paranoid and obsessive-compulsive. I'm here to say that, for the most part, people are right.

Why shouldn't I be paranoid? People die everyday from home break-ins and fires.

Although I am on the third floor, I've been informed by sources that it is possible to climb onto patios and enter though unlocked patio doors, leading to crimes I don't even want to think about.

Remember the Lindbergh Baby? That kidnapping was all made possible because of a ladder and an unlocked window. I bet that family has checked the windows in their house every night since then.

What about when maintenance workers or other types of workers enter your house during the day when you're not home? They can easily unlock a window and enter through that unlocked window later, while you are sleeping. It makes me shudder.

Who likes fires? Many fires are easily avoided by simply unplugging appliances that are not being used. Why not unplug everything and ease those thoughts of being burned alive?

Maybe it's because my mother told me to lock the door constantly, or maybe it's all the "Court TV" shows I watch obsessively, but I think that my paranoia is realistic - stuff happens.

It won't happen in my apartment, though.

I make sure of that.

- Cassady Clark

I am a shoe-gazer. There. I said it. As a shoe-gazer, I'm a serious chap who spends far too much time thinking about things.

This is nothing new. Ask anyone who knows me. In childhood photos I always had a look of concern or slight panic on my face.

In one snapshot I am standing with my pre-school classmates at a petting zoo, surrounded by killer goats who were trying to eat our nametags and apparently had plans to kill us when the teachers looked away. At least that's my version of the events.

When another one of these “educational” field trips resulted in my being pecked in the forehead by a three-foot tall goose, I made a decision to remain cautious and concerned at all times.

Fearful thinking has not served me well over the years, but I remain committed to it. That's how I am.

I'm convinced that this same fearful thinking contributed to a long bout of depression that peaked back when I was in my twenties.

Aging, settling down and adopting a gregarious dog named “Buddy” have provided immeasurable relief.

I know I live a blessed life and I'm thankful that I'm aware of myself. I've learned to make adjustments in my life. Others are not as fortunate.

“Suicide is the second leading cause of death of college students,” according to research by the American Psychiatric Association.

There are no statistics that can identify the “big picture” of depression and other mental illnesses.

When my depression was at its worst, I could not leave my house. My head hurt when I was forced with decisions – like which shirt to wear.

On the days I managed to leave the house, I was merely a visitor or observer as I moved through the world.

I often got trapped in grocery store aisles, left to ponder dilemmas such as “who the hell invented all of these breakfast cereals and do people think they need all of these choices?”

There I stood, with boxes towering over me on both sides. I was paralyzed, unable to make a simple choice. Captain Crunch and Count Chocula looked on in disbelief (or was it pity?)

Depression chipped away at every aspect of my life. It took my happiness first, then my hope. Eventually it took the compass that might have helped me find my way back: it took my faith.

Depression distanced me from God, the one who was always able to help. When the static in my head made it impossible for me to step back and call out for God's help, I knew that I was in trouble.

Communicating with God had been a lifeline, a source of joy.

My depression made it impossible for me to remember my source, my true self and my purpose.

But, God is crafty. He began speaking to me in unlikely places. Bumper stickers and T-shirts read like modern day proverbs. The static became less powerful.

I've learned to rely on these simple things. Sentence fragments from passersby, the conversation at the next table – these are all ways that show me we are connected and that God works through us to help each other. I am a work in progress.

But, I still don't know why the world needs so many breakfast cereals.
— Casey Cavalier

College administrators have reported a nationwide rise in mental illnesses affecting students. “North Lake College has seen a similar trend develop in the past few years,” said Shelley Foster, a counselor in the Disability Services Office.

Some of the most common mental health issues, said Foster, are depression, stress/anxiety disorders and substance abuse; learning disabilities and ADD/ ADHD are other conditions being reported.

The college has seen a significant increase in the number of students with Autism and Asperger's Syndrome. However, Foster points out that this is not necessarily a bad thing.

Foster believes this trend partly indicates a decline in the stigma attached to the words “disability” and “mental illness.”

“I believe we are seeing more students with mental illness because they are choosing to come to college and ask for assistance,” said Foster.

Two years ago, North Lake College responded to the increase by hiring professional counselors to provide free short-term counseling.

“Colleges need to be prepared for a continued increase in mental illnesses,” said Carole Gray, director of Disability Services. Conditions such as depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, and psychological problems due to traumatic brain injury are not uncommon on American campuses.

“We are beginning to see veterans returning from the war with complex psychological issues,” said Gray. Students can be assured that the Disability Services Office will work closely with Veterans Affairs to ensure appropriate services and assistance to veterans attending college.
— Special to The News-Register

Students with physical, psychological, sensory or learning disabilities might be eligible for services and/or accommodations through the Disability Services Office. Contact Shelley Foster or Carole Gray at 972- 273-3165 or visit the DSO office in Room A-413.

For more information on mental health issues or services, visit the Disability Services Office Web page at — www.northlakecollege.edu/resources/disability.html