BEHIND
CLOSED
DOORS
Christan Amundsen is a
professor of psychology and
religion. He has a private
psychotherapy practice and
teaches a course on human
sexuality at NLC.
Boyfriend’s drinking is destroying relationship
Dear Dr. A:
I'm having a problem. My girlfriend
is so needy. It feels like she
just smothers me. I've tried to talk
with her about it, but she
doesn't seem to understand
that she is not giving me
enough space to live my
life. It's not like I want to
do anything in particular
- like seeing other women,
etc. I love her and want to
be with her, but this is making
it so difficult. What do
I do?
- Smothered
Dear "Smothered":
You didn't say whether you and
your girlfriend were living together,
or in what ways you were being
smothered. So, I'll assume that
you are living together and are together
most of the time. This issue
is not unusual. Young men tend to
be driven toward independence,
whereas young
women are driven
toward connection.
The issue
is getting both
of these drives
met. You'll have
to build in time
for yourself, and
time for her. The
key is to be specific. Talk to her
again, and let her know that you
would like to schedule in time specifi
cally to be with her, and time to
be with yourself. Be honest about
what you are needing, and be sympathetic
with her need to be with
you. These two drives are not necessarily
in conflict. Honest communication
and discipline are the
key factors in meeting these needs.
Get a schedule and stick to it. That
builds in trust and honesty.
-.-
Dear Dr. A:
I'm having a problem with my
boyfriend's drinking. We argue
about it all the time now. He goes
out with his friends, and drinks too
much. I tell him that his personality
changes when he drinks - that
he gets mean and nasty. He says
that I'm just making that up - that
no one else tells him that. It's destroying
our relationship. He recently
got a DUI. I was so mad at
him.
- Help!
Dear "Help!":
I'm sure his friends don't tell
him that he has a problem, because
they are all drinking buddies that
have the same problem.
If his drinking is hurting your
relationship, then by definition it's a
problem. Alcoholism is a terrible disease.
Tell him directly that he has a
problem, and that if he is willing to
put his drinking above your relationship
that's the best evidence of his
problem. Then, do what you have to
do to get safe from this. Don't drive
with him if he has been drinking.
Go to Al-Anon (the support
group for family and friends of alcoholics).
He has to come to the
conclusion he has a problem. Until
then - all you can do is protect
yourself. |
