It takes a lot of energy to be with my girlfriend
Christan Amundsen
Dear Dr. A:
My girlfriend and I argue all the time. It doesn't seem to matter what the topic is - we find a way to argue about it. Politically, we are in different camps. On religion, well, nowhere close. I mean, I love her - she's bright, funny and sexy. The sex is great, but it takes a lot of energy to be with her. What should I do?
- Drained
Dear "Drained":
There is a tendency to get involved in "shadow relationships" - meaning, the person we're with has aspects of their personality that are buried in us, which we find objectionable. When we are with them, we find ourselves struggling with components of ourselves that are submerged. The sex is usually good and we are drawn to them magnetically, but the relationship sucks. Therapy can help you understand yourself better, but the truth is, these kind of relationships rarely last. The question is, are you truly in love, or is this a kind of fixation and fascination? If you hate your life with her, and she you, then something of a psychological nature is happening that is not love.
-.-
Dear Dr. A:
Should I be alarmed that my girlfriends says that she's bi-sexual? Recently she told me that she had been in a relationship with a woman (something that she had never told me before), and that sometimes she thinks about being with other women. She tells me that she loves me, and that she wouldn't do anything about these thoughts, but I'm not so sure. Can I trust her?
- Doubtful
Dear "Doubtful":
If she was open and revealing enough to talk about this with you, then I think she's building some deep honesty with you. Should you trust her? Yes, she hasn't given you any reason not to, and the truth of this is that she's working out who she is both sexually and relationally.
Keep the communication lines open and honest. Give her a safe place to talk about this without judgment. After all, if she ultimately needs space and time to figure this out, better that she should talk with you about it than acting in destructive and secretive ways. Hang in there.